Geek Smithology

March 9, 2009

Random Thoughts: Duplicity (the movie)

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 10:03 pm

duplicity I’ve been critical of what I like to call the “Julia Roberts and Richard Gere desperately trying to duplicate the success of Pretty Woman” genre of film (cf. Runaway Bride). For many years, I’ve considered Clive Owen to be quite the bad ass. Think about it: Sin City, Children of Men, Shoot ‘em Up. But now that Richard Gere has seemingly finally passed beyond “distinguished” into “just plain old” he’s been replaced, but Clive say it ain’t so:

You’ll never be James Bond at this rate, my friend.

February 9, 2009

Review – Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 9:44 pm

We’ve all felt like Randy from Scream: watching hapless horror movie victims take every wrong turn so they cross paths with the killer for the next death set-piece. But who ever thinks about that killer? What about all the planning and training that goes into the perfect spree? If post-modern horror movies took the step of becoming self-aware, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon goes even further and takes us into the life of an up-and-coming slasher as he prepares for his big night.

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The story is told through the eyes of a documentary crew led by Taylor Gentry (Angela Goethals[1]). Unlike the hardcore verite style of Man Bites Dog, another documentary that follows a killer, this movie follows a more comedic tack as Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel) works through all of his moves, as if it were a chess match. He talks us through picking out his “survivor girl”, planting bizarre clues (when leaving a fake newspaper article behind tying himself to survivor girl, he marvels at his own wit in remembering to alter the microfiche), and working out the remote location to ensure maximum carnage, all in an attempt to follow in the footsteps of “Jay”[2], “Fred”[3], and “Mike”[4].

As the events unfold, we meet Leslie’s mentor, Eugene a retired slasher who talks about tricks of the trade as he and his girl Jamie help the killer with his plans. When Leslie’s old psychiatrist, Doc Haloran (Robert Englund), comes to town, Leslie now “has an Ahab!” However, the film takes a turn to the dark side as it slowly dawns on Taylor that Leslie isn’t fooling and that he fully intends to go through with his plan. How it all goes down and how he handles it is a twist I wouldn’t dream of revealing, but after a second viewing, the movie earns it.

The two main performances are really strong – Baesel plays the hopeful killer with an “aw shucks” quality that will make audiences start to like him despite his plans. Goethals does a great job playing a cynical documentarian playing for laughs who slowly realizes that this is no joke. Robert Englund, so famous for playing the child killer in the striped sweater, is put into the trench coat of Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) from Halloween in an inspired bit of casting. Finally, Scott Wilson as the retired killer-cum-mentor Eugene steals most of the scenes he’s in.

Just as the characters from Clerks mused about the thousands of innocent contractors who must’ve been blown up in Return of the Jedi when the second Death Star was destroyed, Behind the Mask takes a look at some familiar cliches from a different angle and manages to be pretty darn entertaining.

four star

[1] Yes, that Angela Goethals, of famed 1993 sitcom Phenom and who uttered one of Home Alone’s most annoying lines of dialog…”Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom’s gonna pack your stuff anyway. You’re what the French call “les incompetents.”
[2] for the horror impaired…Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th (Kane Hodder who portrayed Jason makes a cameo)
[3] Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street
[4] Michael Myers from the Halloween movies.

February 4, 2009

Birth of Vader

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 12:59 pm

Like so many geeks who grew up with the original Star Wars trilogy (and I mean people who were actually born when Star Wars came out, not these punk kids who are five years younger than Return of the Jedi) I was, shall we say, disappointed with episodes one two and three.

It is my contention that Episode I was a complete waste of time, and that Episode II (a well-written and acted Episode II, of course) should have been the first, entitled The Clone Wars. And rather than just a few anticlimactic minutes of a single movie, Episode III would have focussed on the Vader’s destruction of the Jedi, call it Revenge of the Sith (because that’s actually a fine name). This means that the famous duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan (which was actually pretty good, all things considered) would’ve ended my Episode II, Rise of the Emperor. However, rather than a pathetic “NOOOOOOOOO!”, I would’ve ended it something like this…

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INT. SOPHISTICATED OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
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Screen is black, and there are muffled sounds of robotic surgery: DRILLS, SAWS, WELDERS.  A strobe effect replaces the black with a series of images from the surgery.
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First, a robotic arm being roughly welded to what remains of a ruined arm.  SCREAMS.
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A harness lifting the torso on VADER’s black legs.  SCREAMS, sparks, a saw enters the screen.
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The chest device is locked into place, a HISS and steam as it is sealed.
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Fade from black to a close-up of the face mask.  As it is lowered onto ANAKIN’s face amid steam and fire, the camera pans back, so that more and more of ANAKIN’s body comes into scene as the mask descends, but we never see his face again.  The mask locks into place with the same sound used in EMPIRE.
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Fade to black.  No sound for several seconds.
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The silence is broken by the unmistakable sound of VADER’s BREATHING as his life support systems start operating.  After three or four breaths, the Imperial march comes up low at a slow, funereal tempo.
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ROLL CREDITS.

March 4, 2008

Review – Good Luck Chuck

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 10:12 pm

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Good Luck Chuck is supposed to be a sexy romantic comedy. The problem is that it is not sexy. It is not romantic. It is not funny. This is a movie that expects us to find a woman with three breasts funny. There are situations where superfluous female anatomy can be entertaining (see Mallrats), but we’re supposed to laugh just because they’re there. This is a complete waste of time, and one of the worse movies ever made.

It concerns one Charlie Logan (Dane Cook) who, upon rebuffing the advances of the token goth girl during a spirited game of spin-the-bottle, is doomed to always have his girlfriends leave him only to find true love in their next fling. Somehow the news gets out and all of a sudden Logan finds himself besieged by women desperate to sleep with him so they can find “the one.” This leads to vignette after vignette filled with coital fury, a technique that may titillate teens desperate for on-screen breast footage, but quickly becomes boring to the rest of us.

Soon Charlie is infatuated with Cam Wexler (Jessica Alba.) He doesn’t want to sleep with her so that he may keep her for himself. There is a gross-out moment in an attempt to prove the curse wrong, and a pilgrimage to find the goth girl who cast it, but it’s all in aid of a ridiculous premise. Cam is so daft and clumsy that sleeping with her is the only thing that somebody might want to do. There are no surprises – the movie develops and ends according to formula.

Jessica Alba is one of the best-looking actresses in Hollywood, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that she cannot act. I’ve been waiting ever since Idle Hands for her to blossom, and it just hasn’t happened. She hasn’t helped herself with the roles she’s chosen, but you can only work with what you’re given.

And I want to like Dane Cook. He seems like a nice enough guy who could go far playing the same kind of average-joe-cum-straight-man that Luke Wilson plays so well. But he isn’t funny, and his performance in this movie, which consists largely of faking intercourse followed by acting like a stalker, just might sink his career. If this is what we have to look forward to, maybe that’s for the best. Even in a movie like Mr. Brooks, the best Cook can hope for is to not wreck everything.

In one of those Chris Farley buddy comedies a clearly disgusted David Spade intones “I can actually hear you getting fatter.” While watching Good Luck Chuck I could actually feel my IQ going lower. This is a movie with no redeeming qualities that can only be saved if all copies are found and destroyed.

half a star

March 2, 2008

Why TV hosts should helm the Oscars.

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 3:04 pm

I am a huge fan of the The Movie Blog. It’s one of the funniest commentary sites on the internet, and their “Audio Edition” podcast often embarrasses me by making me laugh out loud in public places. But, sometimes they are just plain wrong. And in this video (which is hilarious and otherwise bang-on) he claims that someone from Hollywood should host the Oscars. I don’t think that’s a good idea, for two main reasons:

1) I don’t think George Clooney would even want to do it. These are major Hollywood stars, potentially nominated for an Academy Award ™. With all due respect to the host and what he or she brings, I think any star that we’d actually want as host would want to be host. I mean, I’m sure Rob Schneider would want to do it. Oh wait, he’s not a movie star. Or a TV star.

2) John Stewart (and Johnny Carson, and others) are used to doing things in front of a live audience and live cameras day in and day out. They don’t expect a lot of takes, they have a lot of “improvised repartee” in their back pockets, and a relaxed manner in front of an audience that a more “appropriate” Hollywood host may lack.

So, what do you think, folks? Should they try and get George Clooney to host? Or do you agree with me and think that they should get John Stewart to host for as long as he wants?

February 24, 2008

Live Blogging the Oscars

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 7:16 pm

I was out at a kids birthday party earlier today and didn’t catch the start of everything (maybe that’s a good thing!) So, here are the awards I missed:

Costume Design: Elizabeth: The Golden Age. And I go 1 for 1.
Animated Feature: Ratatouille. Of course – 2 for 2.
Make Up: La Vie En Rose. D’oh! – 2 for 3
Visual Effects: The Golden Compass. The first robbery this year. 2 for 4.
Art Direction: Sweeney Todd. Damn straight, this was atmospheric, moody, and perfect. 3 for 5.

All caught up and here we go. Starting out with best supporting actor. John Stewart is being funny. The Hal Holbrook scene is so great. I don’t think Jennifer Hudson picked the best dress for this. Tom Wilkinson is a good actor, but that’s a little over the top. And the winner is:

Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)

Nice (short!) speech by Bardem. Current Score: 4 for 6. The Academy is only wrong one third of the time so far.

John Stewart pokes fun at montages (aren’t we all sick of them?) and presents Oscar salutes to “binoculars and periscopes” and “bad dreams.” I wish they’d stop with the performances of the best song nominees. First off, it’s an irrelevant category for the Oscars — usually it’s a song played over the credits that had nothing to do with the movie. This song from August Rush is nothing special, sounds like things we’ve heard a hundred times before. Yawn. And now a Bee montage? They whip through the shorts. I didn’t see any of them, so I didn’t make any predictions here.

Alan Arkin is coming out to present best supporting actor. He’s looking good. They showed the “Ruby Dee slaps Denzel Washington scene”, because that’s essentially the only reason she was nominated. And the winner is…

Tilda Swinton – (Michael Clayton)

I am shocked! Absolutely knocked on the floor shocked! Tilda Swinton played a good role in a decent movie, but wow. Not much of a speech, I don’t know that she had anything prepared. It was nice to see her face when they announced the winner, though. I picked Amy Ryan (but wanted Cate Blanchett) and thus fall to a dismal 4 for 7.

I’m sorry Jessica Alba, you are incredibly beautiful, but you just can’t act. You can’t even read the teleprompter. Josh Brolin just called himself on a ridiculous Jack Nicholson impersonation while presenting best adapted screenplay with James MacAvoy. And the winner is…

Joel and Ethan Cohen – (No Country for Old Men)

I’m happy with this. While I was certainly a big fan of Away from Her and There Will Be Blood, this is a great choice. And even better, I’m 5 for 8 now. Somehow Miley Cyrus is out, introducing another song from Enchanted. Although Enchanted was a good movie, and with three songs nominated, it is almost certain to lose (I’m thinking the song from Once will take it.) At least it’s actually part of the movie. Although this performance does not do the song as it appears in the movie any justice. Seth Rogin and his little buddy have a good run for sound editing. And the Winner is…

The Bourne Ultimatum

Whatever. This is a travesty! There Will Be Blood was so clearly the best in this category, even from the small clips they played. The speech was an absolute mess. Glad to see that the music comes in. And I fall to 5 for 9. Next is sound mixing. And the Winner is…

The Bourne Ultimatum

And Bourne sweeps the sound awards. Pffft! Transformers was clearly better. My night gets worse as I fall to 50% – 5 for 10. Here comes Forrest Whitaker to present the best actress award. The winner is…

Marion Cotillard (La Vie En Rose)

Another shock, but in a good way. I still think Ellen Page was the better performance, and can’t believe that Christie didn’t win, but I have to hand it to Cotillard, she was great as Piaf. And what a perfect acceptance speech, such unabashed joy is too rare. There are angels in L.A. and this actress is one of them. Unfortunately, this takes me to 5 for 11. Now I’m really failing. Renee Zelwegger presents the award for film editing to….

The Bourne Ultimatum

Yes! Back on track. No movie has more cuts than a Bourne movie, so it had to win. Nice comment by John Steward about “someone just took the lead in their Oscar pool based on a guess.” Or not…back to half at 6 for 12. Best Foreign Film goes to the Counterfeiters – I haven’t seen any of the nominees. After the final best song performance, John Travolta gives the Oscar to Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard for Once. Great little acceptance speech by Glen Hansard “Make art. Make art.”

Cameron Diaz trips over the word Cinematography, but recovers to announce the nominees. The winner is…

There Will Be Blood

Vengeance is mine! Robers Elswit did an absolutely brilliant job in There Will Be Blood. I took some flack from folks who said no film could be The Assassination of Jesse James (etc., etc.), but this was the right choice. And now I’m 7 for 13, so heading back up! Next big award is for score. I know I went way out on a limb here with 3:10 for Yuma, but the winner is…

Atonement

I’ve never seen an award go to typing, which is what so much of this soundtrack really was. It’s too bad that what was by FAR the best score (There Will Be Blood) didn’t qualify, but Atonement really wasn’t the best. And back to 50% at 7 for 14. I need to go 3 for 5 from here on out to beat 50%. We’ll see… Tom Hanks is now announcing the best documentary awards. Freeheld wins the best short and for feature, the winner is…

Taxi to the Dark Side

Well, I really thought it would be Sicko, but now I fall to 7 for 15 and need an unlikely 3 out of 4 to save a little face. Harrison Ford comes out next to present the award for best original screenplay. He sounds very old and looks exhausted – I guess the Crystal Skull is really beating him up. And the winner is…

Diablo Cody (Juno)

This is really the only award Juno had a realistic chance at grabbing, so it is excellent to see the win. Another really great acceptance speech (for the most part, a good night for speeches) by someone who is clearly excited to be getting the award. This takes me to 8 and 16. Need 2 of 3. Can’t say I like Helen Mirren’s dress, but man she is a lovely woman (I remember having a crush on her 20 years ago for Morgana La Fey in Excalibur). She is here, of course, to announce the Best Actor. And the winner is…

Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

Another amazing speech. Daniel Day-Lewis is, flat out, one of the top three actors alive and his performance in There Will Be Blood will be studied for years. I improve to 9 and 17. 1 of the next 2 and I’ll be a happy man. Martin Scorsese announces best director. And the winner is…

Joel and Ethan Cohen (No Country For Old Men)

I still think that Paul Thomas Anderson was the best director this year, but I cannot begrudge the brothers Cohen this honour, because they made an absolutely brilliant movie. And at 10 for 18, I have succeeded in my 50% or bust mandate. Now to see if Denzel Washington announces my pick for best picture. And the winner is…

No Country for Old Men

I would have loved to see Juno take this, but knew there was no chance, especially once the film won for writing. But, as for directing, I can’t say anything bad about this movies or the Cohen brothers. This is well deserved, and I would have to say that all of the winners this year were extremely deserving, unlike some years, I can’t think of any results that had me outraged. And when all is said and done, I went an outstanding 11 for 19, which succeeds in two ways:

a) I made my 50% or bust!
b) I didn’t make it by so much that I have too large a hurdle for next year.

Overall, a great show, I think they should let John Stewart host for as long as he agrees to do it, he was a great host funny and unobtrusive. No speeches went way too long, the montages were kept to a minimum, and all of the winners deserved to win. Now if they just cut out all those best song performances, they could shorten it by a good 25 minutes. Hope you enjoyed the Oscars, and I’ll see you next year!

February 22, 2008

Review – No Country for Old Men

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 7:10 pm

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There are so many things in No Country for Old Men that could go horribly wrong. That they do not is testament to the deft touch of Ethan and Joel Cohen, who have made too many good movies to expect anything less.

There is a plot, but like the Big Lebowski, that is not what the movie is about. It’s about the characters, the vast skies of Texas, and inevitability. It opens with Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) delivering the best monologue of the year. In the weary voice of a man who knows his fate but isn’t racing toward it, he speaks of old time lawmen who “didn’t even wear a gun” and wonders aloud what they would make of the world today. So do we.

The crime he speaks of involves a drug deal gone bad. Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) is a welder and Vietnam vet who stumbles upon a curious scene hunting in the Texas desert: a few trucks and several dead bodies. He finds a truck full of heroin and finds one man still alive. In a mistake that will seal his fate, Moss leaves the man to the wolves and goes off in search of the money he knows must be around. He finds a satchel containing over two million dollars and takes it home to his wife Carla Jean (Kelly MacDonald), who asks a lot of questions. That night, stricken with guilt, he returns with water for the dying man. The man has been shot through the head and Moss is soon under fire.

He runs for it, and one of the oddest (yet exceedingly tense) chase scenes ever committed to celluloid swims down a river followed by an unnervingly persistent attack dog. He will spend the rest of his life paranoid and on the lam. And Moss doesn’t know it, but the man he’s running from is the most quietly terrifying villain since a certain Dr. Lecter spoke of fava beans and Chianti.

His name is Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), and from minute one we know this is a psychopath. With his ridiculous haircut and deliberate mannerisms the character could become a caricature yet Bardem’s performance oozes malevolence and hatred. The only time he displays any expression other than blankness or a sinister grin is when a rictus of madness takes over while strangling a police officer. This is quiet evil unlike anything we’ve seen.

He calmly uses a captive bolt pistol to execute a man who never stops asking “what is that?” and later, during a conversation with a gas attendant who makes the mistake of attempting small talk, Chigurh flips a coin. “What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss?” he asks. As the man attempts to glan the stakes, it slowly dawns on him that there is a fifty percent chance he will soon be dead. When he goes to put the coin in the pocket he is admonished to put it “anywhere but your pocket. Where it’ll get mixed in with the others and become just a coin. Which it is.” Here is a man who doesn’t enjoy killing so much as find it easier than having to deal with people.

It is not long before he catches up with Moss, and while the crafty veteran has a few tricks up his sleeve he is outmatched. No matter how clever his schemes are to keep hiding with the money, his pursuer gets closer each time. In a tense phone call Chigurh tells Moss that he can save his wife, but “That’s the best deal you’re gonna get. I won’t tell you you can save yourself, because you can’t.”

In the meantime, Sheriff Bell has done some figuring of his own and is out looking for Moss. Not to convict him, mind you, but to save him. The jaded lawman has been around for a long while and has some of the best lines. As his deputy surveys the carnage and remarks on the mess, he laconically replies “It’ll do until the mess gets here.” He has the experience to know what is going to happen, but the wisdom not to let Carla Jean know.

With The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and In the Valley of Elah, his portrayal of Bell cements Tommy Lee Jones as one of our best living actors. Josh Brolin is also strong, but the standout is the epochal performance of Javier Bardem, who has garnered his second Oscar nomination for his insane turn as Chigurh.

A less imaginative movie would build to a confluence of all these major players. There would be shaky cameras, jarring edits, and buckets of blood. The brothers Cohen (and perhaps Cormack McCarthy, the author of the novel from which the film was adapted) are too clever for that. Instead, No Country for Old Men ends suddenly, quietly, and perfectly.

five star

February 21, 2008

Review – 3:10 to Yuma

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 7:35 pm

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It may be dressed like a western and take place on horses through mountain passes and unfinished railroads, but 3:10 to Yuma is about buddies on a road trip. I mean this in the absolute best sense of the word. Too few action movies are this good.

The movie’s first act introduces us to Dan Evans (Christian Bale), a down on his luck Civil War veteran trying to keep his ranch from a landowner who wants to sell to the railroad company. He is the consummate sad sack; he lost his foot in the civil war, he owes too much money, and his barn is burned down. His older son, William (Logan Lerman), is ashamed of his father, spitting “I’ll never walk in your shoes” between clenched teeth when the old man tries to explain.

While out tending to the heard, the Evans boys come across a stagecoach robbery in progress, and escort an injured man into Bisby. While in town, a chance meeting and some quick thinking on Dan’s part help the local constabulary nab Ben Wade (Russell Crowe), a notorious murderer guild of at least twenty two stagecoach robberies. Grayson Butterfield (Dallas Roberts) a representative of the train company (complete with handlebar mustache suitable for the occasional twirl) informs Wade that he will be will be on his way to Contention, Arizona where he will board the 3:10 prison train to Yuma for conviction and execution.

A small escort posse is formed on the spot, and Evans gets on because he “was the best shot in the regiment.” Happy that Dan fought for the North, Butterfield hires him on for two hundred dollars, mucho dinero for a man used to two dollars a day.

It’s the perfect cliche posse, consisting of our protagonist and antagonist rounded out by a disposable menagerie of colorful characters. There is Doc Potter (Alan Tudyk), the well intentioned veterinarian who will learn he has the heart of lion before it’s too late, if only just. There is Byron McElroy (Peter Fonda), the grizzled bounty hunter who will push a few too many buttons for his own good. Tucker is the clown who is so abrasive we’re ready for him to go a good ten minutes before he is. They are joined in the nick of time by William, who idolizes Wade but will find out just what bad means.

The bulk of the movie describes the trip from Bisby to Contention, with Wade’s gang of bloodthirsty murderers in hot pursuit. It is the Odyssey on speed, as the motley crew makes its way through various adventures: a decoy stagecoach, a trip through Apache territory, and a run-in with another posse looking to torture and kill Wade. All told in a pulse-pounding sprint, the action interspersed with quiet scenes where Wade pulls Lecter-esque mind games with his fellow riders while revealing that while he may be bad to the bone, he’s got his own notions of honor.

Once the film makes it to Contention, the brakes are off for the race to the finish line, culminating in the bravura ending, where the clock strikes three and the last twelve minutes take place in real time. It’s the obvious way to end a movie like this, but the execution is flawless, and couldn’t end any other way.

The train to Yuma is little more than a McGuffin, giving no impetus to the story other than giving a destination. This is a road movie where two men form, if not a friendship, a bond. There is a moment in Yuma when that relationship turns, and while there may be some incredulity mixed with our suspension of disbelief, there is satisfaction to be had in the way Dan is able to redeem himself in the eyes of his son.

The Internet Movie Database tells me that Tom Cruise and Eric Bana were originally meant to play Wade and Evans, respectively. With due respect to both actors, it would not work. This movie lives or dies on the bonding between the rancher and the outlaw, which is due to the actors speaking the lines as much as the lines themselves.

five star

February 20, 2008

If I Picked The Oscars…

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 6:56 pm

With apologies to Roger Ebert and the late Gene Siskel, I’ve finally seen enough movies to write a post where I tell you who I think should win the Oscars. I’ve only done the six “big” categories (with all due respect to Sound Mixing, which missed the cut by this much) and it’s divided into two parts: who I think will win, based on my reading entrails and trying to predict which studio campaigns will be successful, and who I think should win, which is naturally based on what I think.

Supporting Actor
Who Will Win: Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)
Who Should Win: Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)

While every nominee laid down a good performance, none come close to the the menace with which Bardem infuses unstoppable psychopath Anton Chigurh. From the hold-your-breath gas station scene, to the final phone call with Llewellyn, to the most stoic self-surgery scene since the Terminator every look, every tic, every moment is controlled, calculated, and brilliant.

Supporting Actress
Who Will Win: Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)
Who Should Win: Cate Blanchett (I’m Not There)

The performance of the year clearly belongs to Blanchett, who easily could have played it over-the-top by exaggerating the voice, the swagger, and the attitude of Dylan, but instead disappears and becomes the tortured poet. I do admire the way Amy Ryan plays the transition from distraught media mother to negligent parent, and she makes me believe that Patrick (Casey Affleck) made the wrong decision. But Ryan is the safe nomination: Blanchett is the correct one.

Lead Actor
Who Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)
Who Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

The best actor of 2007 was Gordon Pinsent for Away from Her, and it is tragic that he was not nominated. It’s especially galling that he was denied when George Cloony (Michael Clayton) and Johnny Depp (Sweeney Todd) were nominated. Having said that, Daniel Day-Lewis is a tour-de-force in There Will Be Blood. Daniel Plainview is a ruthless, detestable oil tycoon who hates everyone and eventually gets exactly what he wants: loneliness. You could argue (and I’d concede) that he goes a little over the top in the bowling alley, but you can’t look away from the screen when Plainview is on it. I wouldn’t mind seeing Tommy Lee Jones win for In the Valley of Elah, but it’s not his year.

Lead Actress
Who Will Win: Julie Christie (Away from Her)
Who Should Win: Ellen Page (Juno)

Ellen Page, who was so quietly (or disquietingly, it’s hard to decide) insane in Hard Candy proves to be the real deal in Juno, the best movie of the year. Not only does she deliver dialog that would be too quirky by half in the mouth of most actresses, but her mannerisms, expressions, are all pitch perfect. She isn’t an actress playing Juno, she is Juno. Julie Christie, while excellent, was not even the best actor in Away from Her (see above). But the Academy does love the disabled (hello, Dustin Hoffman for Rain Man) and Page will have to wait for the next nomination in what will surely be a brilliant career.

Best Director
Who Will Win: Joel and Ethan Cohen (No Country for Old Men)
Who Should Win: Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)

I loved both of these movies, but it is Paul Thomas Anderson who is the better director. The way he relays the history of Daniel Plainview entirely without dialog, the spectacle of the derrick fire, and every closeup show a virtuoso’s touch with film. No doubt the Cohen brothers were close – Anton Chigurh, with his ridiculous haircut could have been a caricature, and the scene where the dog chases Llewellyn is surprisingly effective. But this year, they are second best.

Best Picture
Who Will Win: No Country for Old Men
Who Should Win: Juno

First, I don’t think the nominees are correct this year. Michael Clayton was a good potboiler, and while Atonement has a stunning beginning, once Robbie goes to prison it becomes a mess. Two better movies that weren’t nominated are 3:10 to Yuma and Ratatouille[1]. On to the punditry…

No Country for Old Men is a masterpiece. I don’t know if I’d go as far as Ebert and call it a perfect movie, but it is a masterpiece. But so is Juno, a movie that comes nauseatingly close to camp, but walks the line thanks to a truly perfect cast. Juno is a comedy that has unfortunately been saddled with the “quirky” label, so I don’t foresee a win, but it was the best movie of 2007.

And there it is, folks. I’m thinking that I might blog live during the Oscars, but at any rate will be tallying my score when all is said and done. For the record, here are my full picks for this year’s Oscars (some categories, notably all the shorts, have been omitted because I haven’t seen any of the nominees)

Please feel free to comment or email me with your own choices (see here for a full list of nominees) and we’ll compare our prognostication abilities.


Category Prediction
Lead Actor Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)
Supporting Actor Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)
Lead Actress Julie Christie (Away from Her)
Supporting Actress Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)
Animated Film Ratatouille
Art Direction Sweeney Todd
Cinematography There Will Be Blood
Costume Design Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Director Joel and Ethan Cohen (No Country for Old Men)
Documentary Sicko
Film Editing The Bourne Ultimatum
Makeup Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Original Score 3:10 To Yuma
Best Picture No Country for Old Men
Sound Editing There Will Be Blood
Sound Mixing Transformers
Visual Effects Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Adapted Screenplay No Country for Old Men
Original Screenplay Juno

[1] That’s right, Popowich, Ratatouille

February 19, 2008

Blu-Ray Wins — It’s Official

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 7:42 pm

Yahoo reports that Toshiba has thrown in the proverbial towel, making the unofficial Blu-Ray format war win official.

You know, I kinda thought HD-DVD would win, if only because of Sony’s track record: Betamax, Minidisc, Memory Stick, and UMD. I’m still not going to buy a high definition player. First, I have 500 DVDs that I’d prefer NOT become useless, and second, I imagine that standard def will be around until digital distribution makes the whole thing moot.

February 18, 2008

Review – American Gangster

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 10:22 am

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True crime movies often play with the conceit that the folks on the side of the law are protagonists, but American Gangster dispenses with that right from the start. While Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe), the detective, is a doughy absentee father with stage fright, Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington), the gangster, is a driven and articulate family man. He may be unstable and prone to sudden acts of over the top violence, but the movie wants us to see the heroin kingpin as an innovative businessman.

You see, under the tutelage of his old boss, Bumpy Johnson (Clarence Williams III) Lucas realized that the surest route to low prices and a veritable heroin “supermarket” is to cut out the middle man. So he treks to Thailand and makes a deal with a drug kingpin to directly import hundreds of kilograms pure heroin into the United States, said kilograms being transported hidden in the coffins of dead soldiers.

This allows Lucas’ product, Blue Magic, to hit the streets at half the cost, but twice the power. If this sounds like an advertising pitch, you’ve got the gist. Lucas likens his brand power with Pepsi, and viciously defends the trademark, threatening a colleague (a wasted[1] Cuba Gooding, Jr.) with severe bodily harm when the name is co-opted.

The police are just as corrupt as the drug runners. Typified by slimy cop on the take Detective Trupo (Josh Brolin), they are all too willing to look the other way as long as they get enough graft to supply them with gaudy jewelry and muscle cars. Roberts, on the other hand, is so honest that he derailed his career turning in a million dollars worth of unmarked cash. It isn’t all bad; Richie ends up heading a new drug enforcement office to go after the kingpins. This leads to the requisite scene where he gets chewed out by a superior for attempting to follow his instincts, ignores the rebuke, and gets the damning evidence he was after.

This leads to the inevitable raid on the house where the drugs are processed and this is a brilliant extended action sequence. Ridley Scott is really in his element here, building the tension layer by layer until everything explodes in a hail of gunfire. While the raid is chaotic, unlike the Bourne movies, we can always follow what’s going on.

Unfortunately, American Gangster continues the trend of runtime bloat at 157 minutes. There are subplots involving Roberts’ ex-wife taking his son to Vegas and his ex-partner becoming a junkie that could be jettisoned without adversely affecting the narrative. Some streamlining would increase the tension.

Also padding the length are several attempts to show the destructive ripple effects of the heroin trade, but these lurid and grisly scenes of junkies getting high feel trite and tacked on. While the audience craves some balance between the dapper image of Lucas and his systematic destruction of Harlem, these lurid scenes aren’t the way to do it.

Yet the movie doesn’t spend any real time worrying about that, instead concerning itself with the charismatic performance of Denzel Washington. In recent stories, it has been revealed that the story is “1% reality and 99% Hollywood.” To make such a reprehensible criminal likable, it would have to be.

three and a half star

[1] Although, Cuba Gooding, Jr. has done a good job of wasting himself. If you don’t believe me, check out Boat Trip or Snow Dogs. I double dare you.

February 17, 2008

Review – The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 9:07 am

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I’m a sucker for quasi biographical westerns[1]. I’ve been looking forward to catching The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, if only to see if the movie is longer than the spoilerific title. It is.

After a long reign of terror, brothers Jesse (Brad Pitt) and Frank (Sam Shepherd) are the only members of the infamous James gang still not dead or imprisoned. Naturally, rather than retire and sell shoes, they put together a ragtag band of smalltime hoods for one last great train robbery. Then they’ll retire and sell shoes. A skittish young man (Casey Affleck) introduces himself as Bob Ford. He wants to be the old man’s sidekick. Frank tell him to get lost, and even though it’s obvious the kid is a creep that should be led by the ear back to his momma, instead he makes his way into Jesse’s circle. This must be the movie’s way of telling us that Jesse is deranged, should we miss all of the other Pitt “look at me I’m playing deranged” mannerisms.

Bob stays behind after the robbery, and the kid is obviously enamored with the robber. He studies every conversation, every word, every inflection until finally called out: “Do you want to be like me? Or do you want to be me?” Bob gets the boot and during the ensuing misadventures, kills a James family cousin when coming the the rescue of his friend James Liddil (Paul Schneider). The movie is unclear as exactly how or why, but Ford is soon working with the governor (James Carville) to bring Jesse down. Conveniently (but this is history, you can’t make this stuff up) the increasingly unstable outlaw ends up deciding that Bob and his brother Charley (Sam Rockwell) are the only two people he can trust. When that trust is broken by a newspaper article, the titular assassination occurs.

And then the movie jumps the shark. It’s reached its natural end, but instead of letting us go, an extended (and excruciating) denouement ensues, with a bland narrator (why they didn’t keep the voice that narrated the trailer is a mystery) telling us about the sad and boring end of Ford’s life. This would be undesirable in the best circumstances, but in a movie with that falls 20 minutes short of three hours, it is unforgivable. Rather than a three and a half hour director’s cut, I would love to see a 100 minute editor’s cut. This material requires precise storytelling, not meandering meditation.

Casey Affleck will get recognition for his role here (indeed, he has been nominated for an Oscar) but he was better in Gone Baby Gone, while Sam Rockwell does a good job playing a man scared for his life. Brad Pitt plays his character as a bully and a murderer for whom a cigar might be more than just a cigar. Perhaps the comparison is unfair, but unlike the way Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer disappeared in Tombstone, Brad Pitt never ceases to be Brad Pitt to become Jesse James. Maybe it’s his status as an actor.

In many ways, Jesse James is the embodiment of American mythology. Over the years he’s been eulogized, idolized, and idealized. But the film’s portrayal of James gets it closer to the mark. The man was a lout who deserved punishment. The Assassination of Jesse James leaves the decision as to whether or not justice was served to the audience

two and a half star

[1] Except for Wyatt Earp – it did all the sucking on its own.

February 8, 2008

Review – Away From Her

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 12:58 am

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone

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Day-to-day, we don’t appreciate what we’ve got. Whether it’s our health, our loved ones, or myriad other little niceties it’s easy to take all of this for granted. Away From Her is the story of a man who loses his wife, even though she’s right in front of him the whole time.

Grant (Gordon Pinsent) and Fiona (Julie Christie) Anderson are a lively couple. Married for forty-four years, they’ve settled into a relatively comfortable retirement filled with cross country skiing, romantic sunsets, and cozy nights by the fire with a good book. Then Fiona starts to forget things. Mundane and unremarkable slips of the mind early on, but one day she wanders off and gets lost. While Grant slips into heroic denial, she is too young, too different, the truth is that his beautiful wife has Alzheimer’s and she needs to be in a nursing home.

During the admission process, Grant is informed by the administrator (Wendy Crewson) that he can’t visit at all for the first month, the longest they’ve ever been apart. Upon his return, he sees Fiona sitting with a strange man, playing cards. He is devastated to learn that not only does she forget about him, but is in love with a fellow patient, Aubrey (Michael Murphy.) The staff tries to play it off as something that happens “all the time”, that is “not personal”, a fact he reluctantly accepts. And then the film heads into unexpected territory: reality.

Trying to cheer up his wife, Grant ends up spending time with Aubrey’s wife Marian (Olympia Dukakis), whose explanation why she won’t put Aubrey in home time is so refreshingly and unemotionally pragmatic that it almost seems cruel. It’s not cruel. It’s life. Even the self-sacrificing husband can’t help but flirt with other women at the home, and is taken to task by the feisty head nurse (Kristen Scott) who tells him that at the end of it all, it’s usually the men that think things were “mostly fine”. She wonders what Fiona would think. So does he.

It is in these scenes that writer/director Sarah Polley elevates the material from melodrama to greatness. The true-to-life tone is maintained through some inspired performances. Scott and Dukakis are excellent foils to the taciturn Mr. Anderson, and Julie Christie manages to shine in portraying the increasingly erratic Mrs. Anderson. Yet just as Tom Cruise must be acknowledged for his excellent work in Rain Main, Gordon Pinsent deserves plaudits for brilliantly playing a role that relies as much on posture and expression as it does on dialog.

Those small touches, a smile here, sweet oblivion there, that add up to more than the sum of their parts are the key to the film. There are moments in Away From Her that will soften the hardest heart, but it is not a sentimental tribute to ideal love. It’s about a flawed man who must come to terms with the end of his marriage, yet clearly isn’t a bad man. Merely human.

four star

February 4, 2008

Review – Sweeney Todd (The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 5:50 pm

todd12.jpgSome auteur directors find a muse and form long lasting relationships. Think Martin Scorcese and Leonardo DiCaprio. Think John Waters and Divine. Think Kenneth Branagh and Kenneth Branagh. But you’d be hard-pressed to find a more fruitful pairing than Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, the team that brought us such masterpieces as Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood. Add to that list Sweeney Todd, a surreal and captivating musical so far removed from the usual fare as to be almost subversive. Like Moulin Rouge, not Hairspray.

The story begins as Benjamin Parker (Depp) arrives in London after 15 years in exile. As a younger man, he was arrested under false pretenses by a jealous judge (Alan Rickman) who covets his wife. Upon looking up his former home on Fleet Street, he meets Ms. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter), a lovely young lady who has set up shop selling the worst pies in London. Parker takes the name Sweeney Todd and makes his name as a barber after a scene that involves accusing a local hairdresser (A pitch-perfect Sacha Baron Cohen who proves he’s bigger than Borat) of peddling a false hair growth tonic based on bodily functions. Soon after, Todd finds he has a taste for murder and decides that the whole world deserves to die. Ms. Lovett capitalizes by turning victims into pies and soon she is the toast of London. Finally, in a melange of mistaken identity, gross immorality, and true love, Todd’s blood thirst proves his undoing and the demon proves as deserving of death as any of his opponents.

sweeneytodd.gifThe cinematography is unmistakably Burton – view any frame from the film and you could identify its maker. Other signatures are there: Todd has hair that seems to be a mix between Edward Scissorhands and Robert Smith, while Ms. Lovett has the pallid complexion of a corpse (but a hot corpse.) The sets are simultaneously part of and beyond the theater tradition, with stage like intimacy in some scenes and expansive vistas in others. There is a nice flash-forward that changes the locations, but proves Todd to be a most morose madman. The murders themselves are lurid, fetishistic, and unsettling in a way that few films attain. It would seems that they would become mundane through sheer repetition, but they’re rough, gory, and plausible — I flinched just about every time a razor came onscreen.

Unlike too many musicals these days, the songs aren’t merely hooks for a soundtrack[1][2], but integral and intricate: there are many duets with overlapping sections of opposing exposition, such as when Todd is singing of his dead wife while Ms. Lovett declares her obvious affections. It’s hard to give Depp credit merely for singing his own songs in the film, he would have been excoriated in the lip-sync hating press, but he deserves kudos for being an excellent vocalist. He has a recognizable sound, as opposed to the generic “male voice singing in key” albatross around the neck of the music industry[3].

The experience of Sweeney Todd is captivating and gratifying, and will wash the rancid stool taste of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory from your mouth. The multitudes of Burton lovers will pronounce it another masterpiece, while the hoi polloi of haters will denounce it as more of the same. Both groups are right, and you should get out and see it.

five star

[1] Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
[2] Admission: I bought the soundtrack. It’s excellent.
[3] Although he does remind me of Ewan MacGregor’s delivery in Moulin Rouge, and that’s a compliment.

February 1, 2008

Ratatouille Gets Robbed

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 6:20 pm

Ratatouille is a great movie. Not “great for a kid’s movie” or “great for a cartoon”, but “a great movie.” Not only is it inherently interesting, but it’s chilling just how accurate the movie’s depiction of “the life” is (just ask Anthony Bourdain) due to the invaluable input of Thomas Keller.

And now, at the end of the year, the academy award nominations come out and Ratatouille gets snubbed. Maybe this is just the isolated griping of a lone internet pundit, but if one looks at the end of the year lists, the cooking rat shows up in first place on both Rotten Tomatoes’ highest ranking wide release movies of 2007 and is the single highest rated movie of the year at metacritic.

I’ve got nothing against the nominees, but if Beauty and the Beast garnered Best Picture consideration, that Ratatouille missed out is a crime, plain and simple.

January 5, 2008

A word on Ratings

Filed under: Announce,Games,Sight,Sound,Taste by Nathan @ 9:14 pm

It would appear that if one wants to review things, there must be some sort of rating attached for quick judgment by a fickle readership. While I of course subscribe to the literary snob idea of writing the review as text and letting the reader make up his or her mind based on a careful reading and analysis, I realize that most people just skim a review for anything funny and/or inflammatory and skip to see what the score is.

So, without further ado, I reveal my rating system, which will heretofore be used to score anything and everything a review in the future. Please note that I review everything “as is” and “how I feel about it at the time.” There is rarely any conscious analysis and comparison against the greats of a particular genre or medium, or even against items of similar ilk.


five star

This means that I loved it. Go out and do whatever it takes to have the experience, even if it means watching Gigli.


four star

I liked it. Do whatever it takes, short of watching Gigli.


three star

It was “okay”. Check it out if the opportunity presents itself, but don’t go out of your way.


two star

I didn’t like it. It’s better than Gigli, but unless you love the genre or not having fun, don’t bother.


one star

I hated it. It probably is Gigli. If you have a dog-eared copy of The 120 Days of Sodom. on your shelf, this might be right up your alley. But don’t forget to pick a safeword…


November 19, 2006

Review: Casino Royale

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 11:20 pm

Perhaps it is time to leave the closet. (Skeletons do not make the best company.) I am not what you would call a James Bond “fanatic.”

I have delighted to the godlike Connery breathe fire and throw thunderbolts in Goldfinger. I have endured a geriatric Roger Moore paw at the cradle in For Your Eyes Only. I have laughed heartily at the sheer bombastic ridiculousness of Remington Steele and his invisible car. But I know nothing of Timothy Dalton outside of his memorable work in Flash Gordon. Oh, and this alleged “Lazenby” ponce sounds like nothing more than some hymenopteran slacker kicked from the hive. With that off my chest, let us to the review proper:

As Batman Begins before it, Casino Royale is a reinvention of an old friend, and just as welcome. We begin in Prague where our intrepid hero achieves 007 status (sorry folks, apparently one requires two confirmed kills; it has nothing to do with your Xbox Live Gamer Score.) Predictably there are whirlwind adventures as we follow a bomber who ends up being linked to an investment banker using dirty money to float stock scams, taking us from Uganda to Venice. There are a couple of lovely ladies who provide distraction, of whom Eva Green is particularly…attractive. The plot is both more and less complicated than that, but that’s not why anybody was there. We want cars and set pieces, and we get to see some most heinously buckled swash for our money. Some folks also want gadgets, but I’ve always hated that: Casino is gritty, dirty, and blessedly free of Q…

I suppose I should address the “issue” of Daniel Craig. The question on everyone’s mind: is www.danielcraigisnotbond.com right? The answer: they are so wrong that they make Jar Jar look right. Not since Connery have we seen a 007 who looks to have any business throwing a punch. During an appetite-whetting early chase scene through a construction site, Bond’s lithe quarry jumps, Jackie Chan-like, through a small hole at the top of a freshly built wall. Craig, Incredible Hulk-like, opts to walk through the wall. When asked if he wants his vodka martini shaken or stirred, he sneers “do I look like I give a damn?”

I can’t say this delicious meal of spying hijinks is without flaws – the ending does drag a little and could easily have been handled as a pre-credit vignette in the next film (and there will be a next film, the credits were naturally emblazoned with the classic words “James Bond Will Return”.) Even so, it is seven courses of ass-kicking and I can’t wait to watch it again. Maybe I was just high on the palpable love the audience had for the film (I cannot remember the last time I heard actual applause not only at the end of a movie, but during as well), but this is not just the best Bond movie I’ve ever seen. It might be my favorite movie so far this year.

five star

August 9, 2006

Nerdy News About My DVD Collection

Filed under: Personal,Sight by Nathan @ 9:53 pm

Well, I recently picked up Young Guns on DVD (you know you like it) and with it I noticed that I now have at least 1 DVD for each letter of the alphabet, and some that start with numbers. So, in no particular order (well, okay, alphabetical order), a sampling:

2001: A Space Odyssey, Almost Famous, Bubba Ho-Tep, Chinatown, Donnie Darko, Ed Wood, Fight Club, Grave of the Fireflies, High Fidelity, Idle Hands, Jaws, Kill Bill, LA Confidential, M, Napolean Dynamite, Oldboy, Pi, Quills, Rashomon, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity[1], This is Spinal Tap[2], Unforgiven, Videodrome, Walk the Line, X-Men, Young Guns, Zatoichi: The Blind Swordsman.

Whew! Now that I got that out, feel free to get on with your day.

[1] Yes, it’s a real movie, I’m just checking to see if you’re still reading.
[2] I have many other T’s if you want to say this starts with “S”…Taps, The Thing, Three Kings, Time Bandits, Titus, Tombstone, etc.

July 11, 2006

Top Ten Super Hero Movies

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 7:47 pm

Okay, MSN threw up their list of the ten Best Super Hero movies, and it’s actually pretty good. But it doesn’t get it quiiiite right, so that makes it a conversation starter, and in that vein I present my own ten Best…

10. Batman
Tim Burton truly did do something revolutionary with this one, and I’ve put it into my pantheon of movies to never watch again, because something tells me that watching it @ 31 will destroy most of the love I had for it @ 14. I just don’t think it will stand up and I don’t want to find out.

9. V for Vendetta
Perhaps not a conventional “super” hero, but close enough. The imagery was a little sledge hammery and the only thing leakier than its allegory is the Windows Forms TreeView abstraction, but something about the proceedings captivated me.

8. Bubba Ho-tep
Don’t even try to tell my that Elvis isn’t a super hero. If you don’t laugh at this movie it’s becuase you’re missing a soul. Probably because an Egyptian soul-sucking mummy took it from you.

7. Hulk
I know a lot of people didn’t like this, but that’s because they’re comparing it to Spider-Man and X-Men when Lee was trying to accomplish something completely different. I don’t want to act like an elitist snob (even if I am one <sniff>) and drop the you don’t get it bomb, so I’ll just leave it as a general disappointment that people would rather see action than character development.

6. Unbreakable
I’m not a Shamalan fan (WTF was up with The Village, anyway?) but I was riveted. Bruce Willis continues a good streak, Samuel L. Jackson is stable as always, and of course there’s that M. Night twist ending.

5. Hellboy
Talk about getting it right. With movies out there like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, this was a breath of fresh air. Crazy characters, crazy plot, and just plain fun from start to finish.

4. The Incredibles
Believe it or not I wasn’t looking forward to this one. The posters looked silly and nothing in the previews change my perception. But I trusted in Pixar and sure enough it was another gem. A little part of all of us identifies with Mr. Incredible, and that often makes for captivating cinema.

3. X2
Honourable mention to X-Men, but this sequel was when everything really started to come together. One thing that makes a good super hero movie is when great actors take it seriously, and you can’t beat the work of Ian McKellan, Patrick Stewart, and Hugh Jackman. All I want to know is why the hell wasn’t Nightcrawler in Last Stand?

2. Batman Begins
Finally the vision of a darker Batman is realised. While not quite the ominous spectre of Dark Knight Returns, Christian Bale’s Batman is dark, sinister, and best of all (no offense to Michael Keaton) genuinely looks like he could kick some ass. Even the future Mrs. Cruise couldn’t sink this ship.

1. Spider-Man 2
Kudos to the first for setting the scene, but Spider-Man 2 had everything. Spidey is the quintessential Joe Blow hero with all the insecurities and difficulties that come with sudden power. The relationship with Mary Jane and Harry, Doc Ock, Aunt May. Everything is just pitch perfect and I can’t get enough of this one.

So there you have it. Agree? Disagree? Lemme know.

February 17, 2006

The Matrix: A Confession

Filed under: Sight by Nathan @ 9:17 pm

Fear not, my confession is not that I liked Matrix Revolutions — the only words I could muster in the lobby after beholding that misguided cash grab were “bitter” and “disappointment.” The most entertaining thing about that movie was during Trinity’s two hour death scene when Timmeh leaned over and, quoting Starship Troopers, said

At least. I got. To have you.

Conversely, it is de rigeur to love the original Matrix[1]. There’s this unspoken rule that one’s geekhood is in jeopardy if one didn’t exit the theatre blown away[2]. Well, bless me father for I have sinned: I wasn’t blown away. In fact, I don’t recall much more than a forced “meh” in response to my fiance’s query as to my likage[3] while we exited the theatre.

As time went by, I searched for answers: what was I missing? What were other people seeing? I was informed that the DVD was best-of-breed when it came out, so dutifully I bought it. Trouble was, I didn’t have a DVD player so the disc sat on my shelf for a few weeks until I procured the necessary electronics in one of those back alley cash deals. Finally prepared, I made popcorn, I turned the lights down low, and whispered quietly to my cat, “let’s give ‘er.”

I came. I watched. I remained unmoved.

Was there cool shit? Yes, some of the shit was cool. Was it great sci-fi? I’m not touching that. Was it an entertaining action movie with some new ideas in the plot department? Bingo was his name-o.

To this day, I’m not blown away by the Matrix. What has blown me away? Kill Bill. Pi. American History X. Almost Famous. Spice World[4].

I feign the love while my fellow geeks wax poetic about how the only flaw in this cinematic drop of distilled rainbows and unicorn tears (of joy) is that they can’t watch it again for the first time. It’s time to admit that my heart just is not in it. Sorry Matrix – it isn’t you, it’s me. I think it would better for everyone if we just broke up.

But we can still be friends, right?

[1] And if you love it, why don’t you marry it? That’s right, I went there.
[2] If your first Matrix experience was on DVD and you’re over the age of 22 I’m sorry, you’re not a geek – no matter what your older sister’s boyfriend calls you. You may still qualify for nerd…
[3] Likage is a perfectly cromulent word.
[4] Shut up.

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