Fear not, my confession is not that I liked Matrix Revolutions — the only words I could muster in the lobby after beholding that misguided cash grab were “bitter” and “disappointment.” The most entertaining thing about that movie was during Trinity’s two hour death scene when Timmeh leaned over and, quoting Starship Troopers, said
At least. I got. To have you.
Conversely, it is de rigeur to love the original Matrix. There’s this unspoken rule that one’s geekhood is in jeopardy if one didn’t exit the theatre blown away. Well, bless me father for I have sinned: I wasn’t blown away. In fact, I don’t recall much more than a forced “meh” in response to my fiance’s query as to my likage while we exited the theatre.
As time went by, I searched for answers: what was I missing? What were other people seeing? I was informed that the DVD was best-of-breed when it came out, so dutifully I bought it. Trouble was, I didn’t have a DVD player so the disc sat on my shelf for a few weeks until I procured the necessary electronics in one of those back alley cash deals. Finally prepared, I made popcorn, I turned the lights down low, and whispered quietly to my cat, “let’s give ‘er.”
I came. I watched. I remained unmoved.
Was there cool shit? Yes, some of the shit was cool. Was it great sci-fi? I’m not touching that. Was it an entertaining action movie with some new ideas in the plot department? Bingo was his name-o.
To this day, I’m not blown away by the Matrix. What has blown me away? Kill Bill. Pi. American History X. Almost Famous. Spice World.
I feign the love while my fellow geeks wax poetic about how the only flaw in this cinematic drop of distilled rainbows and unicorn tears (of joy) is that they can’t watch it again for the first time. It’s time to admit that my heart just is not in it. Sorry Matrix – it isn’t you, it’s me. I think it would better for everyone if we just broke up.
But we can still be friends, right?
 And if you love it, why don’t you marry it? That’s right, I went there.
 If your first Matrix experience was on DVD and you’re over the age of 22 I’m sorry, you’re not a geek – no matter what your older sister’s boyfriend calls you. You may still qualify for nerd…
 Likage is a perfectly cromulent word.
 Shut up.